Home shouldn’t be where I’m depressed. I had more fun in Michigan than anywhere else ever.

I want to go home.

Please don’t take anything you read to heart, anyone. This is just where my thoughts pour out! I write what comes to mind, and later when thinking I know how crazy I sound. They’re usually just before bed thoughts that annoy me and deserve to get marked because of how stupid they are so I can look back and laugh. Especially Ben if you read these! I promise I won’t stab you or cut your face off because I’m not actually crazy. Just a little heartbroken :/

(bad joke)

I’m sorry for hurting you.

On retreat at Ihduhapi. It’s really fun! The OLs are making me laugh a lot at Auggietown and I almost died during Perception vs Reality when Mike was laughing so hard he was crying. I want to let Mike Fetting ravage me. He is so fucking hot and wearing loose basketball shorts doesn’t help. Ugh such a nice dick.

The scavenger hunt went fantastically and I’m super happy with it :) Kyra is such an awesome partner and I’m so amazingly lucky Mitchell got fired. Fucking dolt. I saw grandma and grandpa yesterday and then went to Ashley’s soccer game and grandma D made me feel awkward about not visiting like always. Ugh. I should soon. It would be nice of me.

Michael and Weih won the scavenger hunt, and then Alan and Brid who I want to be the good pairing, and then Karina and Tatiana. I’m hoping its good! Excited for them to start. Kyra and I managed to survive even though we forgot the dice,
Movie, and games. Fucking lol whoops.

Almost cried during silence just hearing “I am no longer here.” Such a powerful scene and it always makes me super sad knowing there are people who are sadder than me with life :/ I am really blessed even if I can’t be with my soul mate. Whoops did I say that? Yeah. I still believe it. I’m so jealous of Matt and Grant and I can’t even do anything about it. I wish I lived three hours driving away from Ben. I’d do anything for that.

I added Lansing to Craiglist for jobs :/ Like, I’m seriously considering doing it after college. He’s so fucking worth it. He’s worth every mile I travel, every dollar I spend, and every tear I cry over him. I refuse to believe I can’t be with him. I refuse to believe I’ll never see him again. I absolutely refuse to believe I’ve seen the last of the boy who stole my heart, my conscious mind, and my dreams. He literally won’t fucking leave my life, but am I even sad? I can’t tell. Maybe I like torturing myself. Maybe it’s because somehow my soul is intrinsically linked to him now. Fuck I’m a hopeless cause lol. I should stop writing about him. I just like… Flood this with his name. He’s probably reading this and he’s gonna laugh his ass off as he fucks some guy and I won’t hate him for it. I’ll love him for takin advantage of his beauty and having the most fun life he can. I can’t disparage him (great word) for being better at I am at having fun! He is a great guy and I want him happy, just want to be responsible for part of that happiness. Wish I could :/

And now the fun part. The feeling dump.

James is amazing. He is without a doubt one of the coolest people I’ve ever met, and if he lived here, I would date him in a second. It’s why I didn’t make any move though. I will never be able to be with him because he lives in Texas, and my heart was broken by someone who lives even closer than that, and I refuse to put myself through this hell again. The other reason I didn’t make a move is because I felt like it would be cheating on Ben, which is preposterous considering he is probably already dating other guys (or more :/) It’s so fucking FRUSTRATING that he is still such an integral part of my life and it’s the worst feeling knowing I am becoming less and less important to someone each and every day when I still fantasize about moving to his state so I can be with him. I wish this wasn’t so hard. I wish love didn’t suck so much. Because it really does. It fucking sucks getting hurt like I did. It fucking sucks that I hurt James and he still remembers that I told him I loved him and then when he tried to get back with me I picked someone else. It only makes sense that with my Karma and the hatred of the Universe aimed straight at me that I would date someone who would break my heart in the same way. 

The only difference is that James was proactive in getting over it. He had hookups. He had “things”. I don’t want either. I don’t want to fuck someone and leave. I want to have sex, then kiss him, then hold him and fall asleep and wake up in the morning to his sleepy voice and stubble and kiss him again and just lay there and be at peace with an amazing guy. I had it. I had that very thing and now it’s gone and I honestly feel so lost because how do you replace perfection? How can I get better once I’ve had the best? Fuck. That’s a Katy Perry quote. Whatever it fucking applies here. I’m not feeling like much of a Firework though it would be a great party trick to shoot fireworks out my tits.

Back to James. Laying on the cord-o-roy and looking at him made me realize how much life sucks. Life sucks because I have to take meds that have a withdrawal period of up to a YEAR and if I don’t take them for two days, my brain fucks up and I can’t see. My life sucks because two amazing guys who I would love to be with live in different states and both have broken up with me because they didn’t want to commit. One of them I convinced to try, and when I protested the second, he managed to convince me. I honestly fucking love them both, and also the third who broke up with me, and I don’t know how people are able to get rid of these feelings. Like I said, relationships are about giving some part of yourself to the other person, and it always has ended for me with that person keeping the piece, and so I am less than whole. I don’t know what to fill those spaces with, and I think that’s my trouble. I think I need a hobby, but I am so drawn to the familiar that I can’t break free of the routine. I can’t work out. I can’t do anything useful or productive. I’m just lazy and apathetic which is what this stupid fucking medicine is supposed to fix but instead it just messes with my brain even more than usual. I hate my fucking mind. Why can’t I just be fucking normal. It’s so goddam tiring being so sad and anxious. I fucking hate it so much and I feel like it’s why I’m not good enough for any of the guys I date. I’m so pathetic about it when it ends. “Please come back” “Things will be different!” I’m fucking spineless and I can imagine how unattractive that is. Being so needy. My emotions are just fucking useless because of my depression and it is awful. I would love to be normal and not hate my fucking life every time something bad happens, but it just doesn’t work for me :/ And nothing helps! My fucking dad says he’ll make an appointment and never does, and then yells at me later and lets the anxiety fester. Therapy is terrifying to me because of that cunt they took me too when they found out I was gay. I want a way out :( I want to live my life and not be kept prisoner by the activity in my brain that’s so fucking abnormal that nobody who loves me even stays in my life. Nobody should have to be with a crazy person so I guess I understand. 

Speaking of my parents, they got SO fucking pissed that I had James staying there without asking. I was going to! But Kyra’s was stupid and we had to stay there a night early and my trip turned to shit. Constant texts reminding me of how shitty I am for doing it, and saying how “good life had been since I moved back and now I fuck it up with this bullshit stunt.” Well I’m fucking sorry I took a break from being Mr. Fucking Perfect Child with three jobs, Leadership positions, and a fucking award in leadership which you don’t know about. Sorry I get a 3.75 GPA whilst your youngest son pisses his fucking high school career away and you do NOTHING to fucking enforce your rules on him. Find a can of alcohol? Let’s keep it in the fucking fridge to teach him what happens when he gets caught! I’m honestly just fucking amazed at how bad it is. The inequality. He says it isn’t because I’m gay, but then why did he ask if James was a boyfriend? He never said a word to him. I think he realized how much of a reality it is and it terrified him. Grow up. 

I am gay, and I will always be gay and no amount of unequal treatment will make that change. I refuse to be repressed by your rules and I will fight for the equality of people like me til I die because I believe that is my calling in life. I will always defend those who are being persecuted because I know how it feels to be persecuted by someone in your own family. It sucks. I hope my future husband will allow me to foster members of the LGBTQIA community who are kicked out of their homes for being who they are. I can think of no better way to serve the people who came before me in this fight than opening my house to those who will come after me. I just need someone who won’t leave me because of the difficulty of maintaining a relationship :/

It’s actually a real problem though. Like. How do I function when I see a plane flying East and remember the plane trips I took to see Ben? The walks down the escalator to see him and hug him and hold his hand the whole ride home? Everything floods back. Getting frozen yogurt and taking his picture in front of a menorah. The world’s tallest free standing shower. The world’s largest Barnes and Noble. Getting lost trying to find The Keys at Foshay. Why is it so vivid? Why do I remember everything and every feeling. We got in a fight that night. We fought over condoms and lube of all things. They never got used. They still are sitting in my room and I am reminded of him every time I see them. But why? What possible reason could a human have for heartbreak? Why are we wired to want something we can’t have. I truly believed he was my one true love. Fuck I still believe that, enough to look at Craigslist postings in Lansing. I want it so fucking bad. I want to graduate to see him. I want to graduate to move there. I just want away from this fucking life with my family too. I love them but they will never understand me. Ever. Silberman understands my life more than my parents and I rarely ever talk to him. Same with Joanne and Mike I think. At least I have some adults who I can talk to and not feel like a fucking piece of shit who is always cut down. 

And here I was, thinking this would be about how I thought James looked super cute in hi button ups and his stubble looked amazing, and it turned into a fucking post about how I miss Ben. This has got to stop. It’s been fucking months! He probably doesn’t even think about me unless he gets an annoying fucking message or text from his obsessed ex. Never thought I was the type. Like really. NEVER thought I would KNOW I was the crazy ex. It sucks. It’s shitty and I know I am hurting him every time I do try to communicate because of my selfishness. He told me that the only way we could be together was if I moved there… Is it selfish to do it? Like, couldn’t it work? He said it would. We fucking picked out dogs for Christ’s Sake! HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME. 

Ugh it fucking happened again you nutjob. Control yourself :/ Fucking stupid brain. Same stupid brain that was sad to hear James hooked up. I wish he lived closer. If he did, Ben might never have happened and I wouldn’t constantly feel like shit. We could go to art museums. We could do things on dates I never have done. Be outside and love nature and just enjoy earth. But nope. Lives in Texas! Fuck me right? The universe should just fucking smite me tomorrow for all I care. Get all that bad karma out in one shot right? If I don’t update this by Sunday, consider the universe the winner and me smote. Smited? Idk. I should try being funnier in these. I’m going to be so fucking depressed in 20 years when I read these.

Cheer up you fucking cunt. 

Well what a week that was. Screw convention, I’m going to summarize and then analyse without proper formatting. Sue me. James came on Saturday and we went to the mall. Pretty fun seeing his reaction to everything. Had Thai food and some annoying punk ass kids behind me looking at the theme park. Then we went and walked around Burnsville to the Heart of the City, and that’s when he called his friend and used the word “fecant” to describe the lush greenery. We stayed til dark then walked back home, and finally went to Kyra’s birthday party which was super awkward because I didn’t know anyone there. We left after the guests insulted the security guard who simply told us to quiet down. So weird. Went home, and stayed in the basement watching weird movies. 

Next day, June 9th was the longest by far. Went to Minneapolis and started at the U of M where it started pouring while we were at the Weisman art museum which made me start admiring James as one of the most intellectual people I’ve ever met because he forced me to be serious and actually analyse art which was an incredibly nice change of pace from always being silly. We chilled there and eventually braved the rain to get umbrellas from my car. Walked to light rail, closed. Walked to bus stop and took it to government plaze and then walked the length of Nicollet Mall. Disappointingly enough, everything was closed since it was a Sunday. Eventually made it to Jerusalem’s and enjoyed some kibby and shawirma which was really good. Place reminded me of Amy’s Baking Co. though and that was funny as hell. Walked to the Sculpture Garden at Loring Park and again appreciated being with someone who actually enjoys art. It was super nice. Loved creating life stories for people on Mark di Subero’s piece. “Reptile store workers” was probably my favourite. Walked back and took a rest near government plaza, missed a bus, caught a bus, and finally headed home to watch some more bad movies.

Monday came and I had to go to work, so James went to Lake Calhoun and Lake Harriet and I met him at the latter to hang out and discuss how angry my parents were at me for “pulling such a bullshit stunt” as having James stay there without asking. Will get to that later. This was the day being off meds started really hitting me which was insane. Crying over everything. Went to Saint Paul and walked around trying to show him interesting things but it was kinda hard because there isn’t much to do in St. Paul. Pretty river views, Scientology Church, and Mickey’s Diner were highlights as was getting cotton stuck in my throat. Drove to Summit Avenue and enjoyed looking at the amazing houses, and then took a pilgrimage to see F. Scott Fitzgerald’s house: a pilgrimage for any serious English major like James. Mom texted me and said I could come home with a smiley face leading me to believe they were no longer angry. I was so confused. We went home and watched Kitchen Nightmares and I loved the commentary we did. This was where things got a little flirty and weird. Lots of eye contact and smiling at each other from the couch and cord-o-roy. So weird. Just… Ugh. Fell asleep and had a vivid dream that woke me up of James kissing me. 

Tuesday, our last day together. Went to work and he went to Como Zoo and Park. Met up with him and went to Minnehaha Falls which was thoroughly enjoyable. Walked the path and he commented how he “liked me when I’m mean” which was interesting but a bit uncomfortable. Soaked our feet in the creek and commented on the general lack of child care happening with the parents. Especially the boy carrying his brother over the rocks and almost falling/dropping him. Found a broken turtle. Inside a broken shell lies the vulnerable inside. Sign? Who knows. Went thrift shopping to find James some Minnesota apparel and I bought a Buddha screen print which is really cool and I will like when I have a house of my own. Went home and swam for a bit, ate a popsicle, and went to bed for a brief time after talking for a long time. The last thing I said before falling asleep was that the text I sent after he broke up with me was true. It was the one saying I loved him. It was true. 

Woke up at 3am and tried to go to Perkins and it was fucking closed -.- Went to McDonald’s but was tripping balls on my med overdose after stopping taking them. Only could eat some fries and drink a little bit of smoothie. Drove James to airport. Awkward hug. Texted him immediately. Awkward :/ 

And that was the trip. Went home and slept and went to bed. Woke up Wednesday morning and went to work, got home and slept for 14 hours where it was easier to live than being awake. My dreams I can be happy and not worry about what my life holds. Whew. That was a busy fucking weekend hahahaha

James is here. It’s really odd. I’ll probably write a more detailed post later. But. It’s just so weird.

Hearing about guys he’s hooked up with and realising people CAN move on gives me hope for getting over Ben, but whilst walking around downtown today, I couldn’t help but remember when I did it with Ben. Taking him around downtown west in the freezing cold. Taking him to Minnehaha Falls and falling on my ass. The memories of him broke through the present day and it sucked but I morosely loved it.

The universe still hates me. Mom and dad are pissed at me for bringing James over, everything in Minneapolis was closed today including the light rail, Kyras party was awkward as fuck, it rained and I forgot an umbrella, RJ posted a tumblr post about reading “I am Not Myself These Days” which is Bens favourite book, and I’m probably going to drown in work tomorrow because of Mitchell’s past fuck up.

I just want someone to hold me and tell me its all going to be okay.

By the way, I found the other tumblr you were supposed to be posting in you fucking idiot. Way to go. You probably made Ben feel awkward because you can’t even remember to switch to a different fucking tumblr. Idiot.

At least one super good positive is that Kyra is the new SOC :) Finally the world is giving me a little ray of sunlight through all the showers of shit its poured on me. Super excited to have a competent and fun partner! Wow. Positivity for once? Lol crazy.

James is coming tomorrow. I don’t know how to feel. I’m super excited to see him, but I’m terrified because of what we had.

Looking at the map of the airport, though, all I could think of was every time I walked through that concourse on my way to Michigan.

Gate H6.

I wonder if Ben will keep the tickets. I wonder if he will keep the picture of me. I wonder if he’ll keep the memories of me.

I dreamed about him last night. I dreamed I was him. Looking in the mirror and yelling in agony and trying to remember his body. Fuck dude. He really messed me up hahaha. I’m honestly going mad here because I ain’t gonna find nobody else like him.

James is here until Wednesday too. Like that’s crazy. Going from not talking to being visited by him. Ben is the common denominator here, as well. Fuck. He’s everywhere in my life and I can’t get rid of him.

Found out Mitchell got fired. Wow.

Interesting day. Mitchell fucked up dates in an email so badly that Joanne is going to give me his hours and cut his. Sucks for him but its what he gets for being incompetent. She actually said “I think he has an undiagnosed learning disability” which I would tend to agree with.

Nobody is just that dumb.

In other news, Ben found this tumblr. I could stop writing here, but it isn’t worth the hassle. I didn’t ask him to read it, and maybe its better he knows exactly how I feel instead of just what I’m able to write in a few sentences in text. It was my mistake to write that confession to Dear Human Being, but I didn’t tell him to read this. I don’t know what he hoped to get out of telling me either. Like yes, I feel bad you read all the good and bad of our relationship in such close proximity, but its my thoughts and I refuse to censor them on my own tumblr, which was supposed to be private.

If you’re reading this, Ben, I still feel the same about you. I still miss you, but I can’t talk to you for now. For awhile. Until college is done probably. We’ll see what our lives are like then, but for now, if you still want to read this, please don’t just say “I read it” unless you want to actually discuss something. I don’t know if you actually did want the apology or what, but I’m trying to look out for myself for the first time in my life instead of putting someone else first, and you were the one I put first for a long while so I’d really really like to be able to have a fair shot at getting over you. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but I can’t talk to you because it hurts me too much. I can make myself gag thinking of you with someone else. It burns inside and I think it’s rage because I should be holding you as you fall asleep. I should be massaging your back and running the tips of my fingers across it like you liked. But I’m not, and I can’t, at least for now. So please, if you do read this again, just don’t talk to me. I’d love to talk with you, but I just can’t do it to myself. Your position is clear, I respect it, and I will always be here if you need me, but I can’t have regular conversation with you because it feels like dying everytime I realise I can’t have you, and I think about that a lot each day. You’re on my mind at all hours of the day. You’re in my dreams at least once a week if not more. You were my life, and its hard to make my mind stop… You? I guess? My subconscious fights my conscious constantly to let you back in no matter how hard I try to shut you out. Talking makes that worse, even if its just cordial. It’s why I had to delete you. I know I’d drunk text you. I always do it. I definitely can’t see you on snapchat. I cried when you sent me that one of your auburn hair. You’re so beautiful. I don’t know if you know just how stunningly handsome you are. You radiate beauty and your smile is happiness captured in one expression. I wish I could see it without the bad feelings coming with it. You deserve to have your appearance appreciated and not accompanied by regret and sadness. At this point in our lives, I can only bring you down and I can’t be responsible for that. In two years though… I don’t want to say I hope you’re single, but I do. I honestly do because I’m a fucking hopeless romantic who wants to fly in and hold you and never let you go. It won’t happen, but I can dream, and I know with my fucked up kind and luck, I will dream about it often, even if we both find someone new. Life of a person with mental illness eh?

Talk to you after graduation I guess.

Whilst envelope stuffing: “The address goes in the upper left, right?”

Cut all ties to Ben but told him I’d come for him in two years. It hurts worse than anything I’ve ever done, but it was necessary. I love him and I probably always will, but he doesn’t reciprocate those feelings right now and I can’t kill myself feeling this way. When we can be together, I will make it work. For now, I will be alone. He should live a life free of a crazy ex boyfriend. I should live a life free of someone who drives me crazy. Mutual end to a star crossed relationship.

So Emily is saying I fucked her huh? How about you try living in a dank basement then? My life is already shit enough without having to live there. Knowing that I can’t have feelings for anyone like I did for Ben. Some guy named Mark was hitting on my last night. He was from OkCupid, and he was really cute. He asked me to come over to his house and fool around with him but I said no. I honestly cannot see myself sleeping with or dating anyone besides Ben. It’s like a fucking curse. He has taken over my life, and I don’t know how to get past it. I’m sure if he ever reads this he is going to be sick and tired of hearing me dredge his name up, but nobody gets it. Nobody gets how I feel not being able to be with someone who captured my heart so completely. I think Alec does, but everyone thought he was crazy. I don’t want to be crazy. I don’t want to keep living like this where I can’t even jack off without thinking of Ben. It seems like such a stupid thing but I don’t want to be intimate with anyone but him. It was so nice having someone who I could laugh during sex with when weird stuff happened. It was nice having someone who had such a fantastic sense of humour but also could switch to sensuality in an instant. I wish I could have stayed with him. Some day I hope I get a chance to try again. I hope I get to move to Michigan. I hope he isn’t involved with someone. All incredibly selfish thoughts, I know, but I really really want him. More than anything.